One of the topics we'll be visiting a lot is what we'll call "Bridging What Could Divide". I got this phrase from Dr. Gordon Neufeld and it's been coming up quite a bit in the work I am doing- both with Dr. Neufeld and with my Power to Parent classes. This is a key principle of attachment.
Specifically, I have been helping Dr. Neufeld organize his preschooler material into a course that I hope to be teaching soon- here in Marin and also online. As the father of a preschooler myself I find this stuff fascinating.
Here's my quick way of explaining it. I think it's important to note that while I am explaining this as it applies to preschoolers, it can apply to older children, teens, and adults.
It is very easy for preschoolers to experience separation from us- when they are away from us, when they are at daycare or preschool, when a parent travels or even just goes to work, and when they go to sleep. A preschooler finds it hard to hold on to us when we are not immediately in their presence. That's why it's so important for us to hold on to our babies physically.
Even if you co-sleep with your child, night time can be experienced as a time of separation. And if your child experiencing night time as a time of separation, this can lead to sleep problems. Your child might resist going to sleep so they can avoid this experience of not feeling connected to you.
What we need to learn to do as parents is "Bridge What Could Divide". This means help our child to hold on to us even when we're not there. This can be through giving them something physically for them to hold on to- an item of our clothing, a picture of us, a locket, etc. This can also mean bridging with our words.
When our son started resisting going to sleep a while back, we realized that he was having separation problems at night. We started doing things to help bridge the nighttime hours. At night, before bed, we would talk about the next morning and the next day- all the things we would do together, what we would have for breakfast, etc. In the morning, we would talk about the night before. If daddy wasn't going to be there when he was going to sleep, I would tell him that when I got home I would whisper into the bedroom that "daddy is home. I missed you. Sleep well. I can't wait to see you in the morning". I would tell him this before I left and I'd tell him that I did it the night before in the morning.
It took a couple weeks of doing these things consistantly, but it eventually sunk in and he stopped resisting sleep so much. You know it's sunk in when you say something like, "do you know what I am going to do when I get home tonight" and they say "you're going to tell me you love me, you missed me, and you can't wait to see me in the morning." You can tell that they've internalized your words.
I hope this is helpful. I'd love to hear people's feedback and questions. Like I said, this will be a regular feature on this blog- helping parents figure out how to "Bridge What Would Divide".
