Transformative Parenting Blog

Why We Are Losing the Context to Parent (Hold On to Your Kids DVD videoclip)

This is a 4 minute clip from Dr. Neufeld's DVD based on his bestselling book, Hold On to Your Kids. You can find out more about the DVD on his website.

Parenting Lessons from "the Cure"?

Benjamin and I were in the car yesterday, on our way back from our morning park ritual- this time to "Castle Park" in San Anselmo. We were listening to the radio when "Love Song" by the Cure came on. The Cure was one of my favorite bands growing up and this song is on one of my favorite albums of all time, Disintegration.

Anyway, as the song was playing Ben said, "who is this Gaga?", so I told him. He said, "I like this song, don't sing." I complied, although my ego gets hurt just a little every time he makes this request. I glanced at him in the rear view mirror and could tell he was listening intently to the song. Then the song came to it's chorus:

"However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you"

Ben smiled a really big smile and said, "that's what you tell me, Gaga!" I smiled right back at him, happy that he made this connection (AND that he liked a Cure song!).

It may seem obvious to talk about, but I think it's worth saying, that this is the number one message we need to get through to our children at any age. They have to know that our love for them is unconditional and not based on their behavior. That we may forget momentarily sometimes that our love is unconditional when we're having a bad day or they do something outrageous, but that the love is still there and we always come to our senses.

The important distinction to make is that while we may know that we love our children this way, we might accidently send the wrong message sometimes- with our words or our behaviors. Using language with our kids that makes it sound like our relationship depends on their behavior can be confusing.

That's why so many of today's behavior-based disciplines and techniques can be so harmful. They essentially suggest that parents see their child for their behavior, not for who they are and what's going on for them.