Transformative Parenting Blog

The Importance of Sleep

Po Bronson has a great new article in New York Magazine called, "Snooze or Lose" emphasizing the importance of sleep to child development and how children in our culture are getting less sleep than ever. You can read the article online here. I would give you more of a synopsis here, but I think this article is a must read, so go check it out.

It seems so simple, but rest (including sleep) is one of the most critical things children need. These days our culture devalues rest and more and more our kids are (as the article states) overscheduled and overstimulated.

Recently, Jennifer read the book, Sleepless in America by Mary Sheedy Kuricinka. Although I haven't had a chance to read it yet, she has shared a lot of the insights and ideas from the book that she found useful. (I will try to convince her to do a post here about the book!) If you are having sleep problems in your house, or just want some help with creating some new habits and rituals around rest, you may want to check out this book.

"What a Child Needs is Love"

Recently my friend Pamela Whyte shared a story that I wanted to pass on. Pamela is also a parent consultant and educator and lives in Winnepeg, Manitoba. We are both are on the faculty at the Neufeld Institute. I think this story perfectly captures something essential. Here it is:

A few months ago friends of ours were boarding a cultural exchange program participant in their home. "Esther" was a preschool teacher from Zaire working in a public daycare here in Winnipeg for the year she was in Canada. I asked her one day over dinner which cultural differences were most striking for her in adjusting to life in Canada. Esther was quite hesitant to address my question; it was apparent that she was worried about offending, after some reassurances she shyly began.

"Well", she said, softly, "the biggest difference I see is how you treat your children. I do not know how to say this to you, but you see, in Zaire, we believe that what children need is love. They are little, and they are just learning, what they need is love".

As you can imagine, my interest was engaged at this point! Esther did not know about my involvement in this work- when I asked her what she meant, she told me the following story:

One day in my first week of working at the Canadian daycare, it was time for snack, and all the children were told to wash their hands. Three and a half year old Matthew was standing at the sink seeming a bit lost, wiggling around and looking everywhere but at the tap. The head caretaker told him, "Mathew, it's time to wash your hands". Mathew leaned back and looked up at the ceiling; I could see that he wasn't really able to pay attention right then, so I went over behind him, put my arms around him, took his hands in mine, leaned over to look in his face, and told him a little story while I washed and dried his hands, and he laughed and chatted with me. Then I took him by the hand and led him over to the snack table where I sat down with him for snack.

A moment later I was called aside by my boss who told me that what I had done was completely unacceptable; Mathew was perfectly capable of washing his own hands, and I was not to do for him what he could already do for himself. Mathew needed to learn to listen, to follow directions, and to be independent. So now I have to stand by and watch while Mathew hears this: "Mathew, it's time to wash your hands. Mathew, if you can't wash your hands, then you can't have a snack. Mathew if you can't listen, then you'll have to go sit in the thinking chair." and Mathew is put in the thinking chair while all the other children eat their snack.

I don't understand this. In Zaire we believe that what a child needs is love. He is little, he is still learning; more than anything he needs love! In Zaire, I think that if a teacher took a child away from everyone like that, and made them sit alone on the chair, the parents would be very angry, I think they would not allow the child to go back to that school. They would never allow their child to be treated like this. I think if a child in Zaire was treated this way, he might be afraid of school and teachers and learning for a long time. It would hurt him so much, but these children don't even cry. I can't understand it.

So that's the biggest difference I see; in Zaire we believe that what a child needs most is love.

I am not sure what I could add to that.

"Transitions Into School" Radio Interview- Listen Online

The other day, I was a guest on the radio show "Childhood Matters" with Rona Renner, RN. The subject was "Transitions into School" for children and their parents. I was on for the hour with Fred Ferrer, past Director of the Santa Clara County Children and Families Commission and current head of Manzanita Solutions.

They have made the audio of this interview available online. You can download it listen to it online below. It runs about 56 minutes total.

I thought it went reasonably well, although I was a bit on the sleepy side!

Taking Responsibility for our Relationship with our Child (Power to Parent clip)

I wanted to share another video clip of Dr. Neufeld, this time from his "Power to Parent" video course. We teach this as an 8-week course here in Marin.

Book- The Kissing Hand

Ben and I were at the book store the other day when we read Audrey Penn's book, "The Kissing Hand" for the first time and we both really liked it.

This is the kind of book that helps us bridge what could divide with our children. Children can have a great deal of anxiety around any real or perceived separation. I mention "perceived" sometimes you may be close by and they can still have this experience. It is important that we give our kids something of us to hold on to, and that is what this book is about.

The story is about Chester Racoon and his mother. It is time for Chester to go to school and he doesn't want to go. (I have to admit, the part of me that is ambivalent about sending my son to school doesn't like this aspect of the story 100%) His mother tells him he'll really enjoy school and then shares with him a family secret, the secret of the kissing hand.

Mom takes his hand and puts a kiss right in the palm of his hand. She explains to him how this will help him feel her love the whole day through. Chester finds this reassuring and even gives his mom a kiss on the hand to help her hold on to him.

This is such a valuable concept for all parents. So many of the difficulties our kids experience have to do with not being able to hold on to those they're attached to. If we can give them a necklace of ours to wear or a shirt of our to sleep in (or a pillow of ours), or maybe just a kiss on the hand to save- this can help them hold on.

Is it harder being a dad these days?

This is a topic I've been thinking about a lot lately. One of the main ideas behind our practice is that parenting has become more difficult in general and we try to outline some of the cultural reasons for this.

However, what about being a dad specifically? Has that become harder?

I was doing some research for a talk I'll be doing at a conference in October when I came across this article in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. It's called, "Dads Have a Harder Time Than Their Dads" and points to a Pew Research study that found that:

60 percent of respondents said it's tougher being Dad today than in the 1970s and 1980s, with only 12 percent saying it's an easier gig.

I personally think dad's have a harder time these days figuring out their role in the family. I definitely don't subscribe to any stereotypes that say women should not work, etc, but the fact that so many families are dual-income these days, how has that changed things?

What do you think?

Why We Are Losing the Context to Parent (Hold On to Your Kids DVD videoclip)

This is a 4 minute clip from Dr. Neufeld's DVD based on his bestselling book, Hold On to Your Kids. You can find out more about the DVD on his website.

Parenting Lessons from "the Cure"?

Benjamin and I were in the car yesterday, on our way back from our morning park ritual- this time to "Castle Park" in San Anselmo. We were listening to the radio when "Love Song" by the Cure came on. The Cure was one of my favorite bands growing up and this song is on one of my favorite albums of all time, Disintegration.

Anyway, as the song was playing Ben said, "who is this Gaga?", so I told him. He said, "I like this song, don't sing." I complied, although my ego gets hurt just a little every time he makes this request. I glanced at him in the rear view mirror and could tell he was listening intently to the song. Then the song came to it's chorus:

"However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you"

Ben smiled a really big smile and said, "that's what you tell me, Gaga!" I smiled right back at him, happy that he made this connection (AND that he liked a Cure song!).

It may seem obvious to talk about, but I think it's worth saying, that this is the number one message we need to get through to our children at any age. They have to know that our love for them is unconditional and not based on their behavior. That we may forget momentarily sometimes that our love is unconditional when we're having a bad day or they do something outrageous, but that the love is still there and we always come to our senses.

The important distinction to make is that while we may know that we love our children this way, we might accidently send the wrong message sometimes- with our words or our behaviors. Using language with our kids that makes it sound like our relationship depends on their behavior can be confusing.

That's why so many of today's behavior-based disciplines and techniques can be so harmful. They essentially suggest that parents see their child for their behavior, not for who they are and what's going on for them.

Creating a Village of Attachment (ongoing topic)

Another one of our ongoing features on this blog will be ideas and suggestions for how to create an extended "village of attachment".

As Dr. Neufeld mentions in his work, one of the things that has made parenting more difficult these days is a breakdown of the "culture" of attachment. What this means is that some of the rituals and traditions that once assisted us in raising our children have disappeared- especially in North America. It also addresses the fact that more and more we don't live near our extended family.

In some European cultures, many families are two-income families so the parents are both gone during the day, but it is much more common for grandma to live in the home to help raise the children.

In America, it used to be more common for neighbors or teachers, etc, to help us raise our kids by being our "eyes and ears" with our children when we weren't there. In this way they served as an extension of our attachment to our kids. It has become more common, however, for neighbors and teachers to feel they need to "stay out of it". I have heard from many teachers that when they try to address behavior issues with parents that they are told to mind their own business.

I am planning on doing a number of posts on this subject, including many ways to extend your village so you can do your job more effectively. I would love to have people write in suggestions and what has worked for them.

For us, we don't have any family in our area at all. We love it in Marin County and want to stay here because of it's beautiful natural resources and proximity to so many things we love. However, it's tough when our son's grandma's live in Sacramento and Southern California. One thing we do is to create "Aunts" and "Uncles" out of our close friends. Friends we love and trust and know will be part of our lives indefinitely.

So, what do you do?

We're back & don't forget to comment!

Hello everyone. I just wanted to apologize for not posting for awhile. We've had an extremely busy couple of weeks, mostly arranging our Fall schedule and finalizing the upcoming "Making Sense of Preschoolers" course. My intention is to post much more often, so stay tuned!

Also, for those of you who don't know, we really encourage you to take part in this blog by using the "comment" feature at the bottom of each entry.